Even after taking psychology senior year of high school and discussing depression extensively, I still didn't fully grasp what it meant. No, it wasn't until I began to know a girl in my weight training class that my eyes began to open. At first though, I thought she was just the type of person that had bad days, and once again I thought to myself, I've had bad days, we've all had bad days, why are they so hard for her? As I got to know this girl more and more, I began to fall in love with her, I loved the way she talked, the way she laughed, the way she smiled, even if there seemed to be this dark cloud over her some days, I fell for the old idea that it was just because she hadn't met the right person, and I hoped I could be that person. So, finally, I worked up the courage to ask her out. Hayley, that's her name, (though I spelled it Haley for about a month) and I went and got pizza and watched a movie for the first of many many times, I awkwardly and somewhat accidentally somewhat not told her I loved her, and everything seemed absolutely peachy.
That was, until around November or December when her mood began to sour. At first, I was terrified, I thought Hayley was going to break up with me, and she is my first real significant other, so I didn't really know how to handle it. Finally, I got to the point where I just had to ask her, and so, I did. What I discovered didn't necessarily surprise me, but I didn't expect it either. Hayley told me that she suffered from a pretty bad case of depression. She told me how hard life could seem some times, even for no apparent reason. She told me about the sleepless nights and the sleep filled days.
Hayley gave me a glimpse into what depression really is, and it rocked my world. The thing is, even after seeing it, I still didn't understand depression and, after thinking about for a while longer, I realized that I never will. I know that I never will understand what depression is, but at least, for now and forever, I know what it isn't. So every time Hayley has a hard hour, hard day, hard week, I don't sit there and try to fix it, because I can't. Instead, I just sit there with her, for her, because being a shoulder to cry on is the least I can offer in exchange for all the good she's done me. Even if she can't always see the sunny side of things, I'll always keep my nose pointed in its direction so she knows where to look when she can.
-Bill Goodwin